Living your dreams is lonely. Sorry to open up with such a pessimistic thought but, hell, it’s the truth! So why would anyone want to conquer their dreams if loneliness is what you have to look forward to? Well, for me, there is no better feeling. I mean seeing something that was once in your head come to reality is a bit orgasmic. Trust me as a single and lonely woman, I will accept anything orgasmic! Yes, dear dreamer, I hear you screaming, “How could you possibly be lonely if you have all the things that you wish for?” I will let you answer that, I am going to do a communication “No, No,” I am going to answer a question with a question. Actually with a few questions. Tell me, what good is anything if you have no one to share it with? No one who understands the struggle it took to get to that “thing”? No one to celebrate you? That is the place of loneliness. Although it lacks the fairytale feelings imagined, it doesn’t take away the greatness of accomplishment.
I totally understand how individuals who make it to fame and fortune, seem to have it altogether, turn and take their lives. Calm down, I am not suicidal. I love myself too much. I do however experience loneliness. It’s the type of loneliness that happens even when there are people around. Loneliness is more than just presence, it is about understanding and connection. Every successful person wants to be celebrated. That’s what success is about, making it to your predetermined climax and being celebrated for doing so. We determine our success. We can also allow our environment or society to determine it. However it is determined, when we arrive, we don’t want to be there alone!
You don’t know me beyond what has presented here unless you have looked me up and that most likely won’t provide much insight. Trust me, I am working on that! Or maybe you aren’t interested in knowing me, and that is okay too. Since you are here, I want you to know I am walking into my moments of “dreams coming true”. This piece you are reading is a dream for me. Wherever you are reading it, big or small publication, I take pride in this accomplishment. This is my success. This wasn’t a lifelong dream. It was an unrealized dream from a tucked away talent. I have been a writer my whole life. Funny thing is, I just began calling myself a writer. Prior to 2020, I just wrote stuff. I have always used writing as an outlet. Poetry, short stories, diary entries, essays all of the above. I had a book published and distributed to my school district (I use the word published lightly!) when I was in fifth grade. It was a required assignment and I never expected to represent all the fifth graders in my district. It was scary and uneasy and I forgot about it for a long time!
Interestingly, I have always kept those things to myself. Never really allowing anyone to read what I release. There was a time, I thought I wanted the world to know what I had to say but was too shy to ever act on it. Of course in came the self doubt. What would I talk about? No one knows me. Who would really care? Who am I anyway? For a time, I allowed those thoughts to dictate and I continued to write in secret. Then one day, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I needed to release some feelings. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. February 13, 2017. I was hurt over a failed relationship. As a strong individual who seemed to endure everything as if it was water on a duck's back, I couldn’t let people know how hurt I really was. I didn’t trust anyone with my deep emotions, yet they screamed to get out. I pulled out my computer and began typing. What began as a feelings rant, turned into a descriptive metaphoric vision of how far my feelings had gone. How deep the hurt was.
What I produced was an imaginary description of me taking a leap due to the pain I felt. The pain was simply loneliness. (Again, I am not suicidal! I am nowhere near brave enough to do anything that would rid the world of this beautiful face. Truthfully, I believe everyone has had
some similar feelings in their lives. It is when we act or attempt to act on them that requires some professional assistance. So put down the phone! No need to make a report on my behalf, I am fine. This right here, is how I deal with my emotions.) Humanly, I thought the world for me was over because I was deeply hurt and couldn’t see past the hurtful situation. I thought what I had written was all about the end of what I thought was forever. Today, I realize what that piece was really about. That piece represented something totally different. The unfolding of that revelation would be enough for a complete book possibly. So for now, just trust me.
After I typed that visual description, I posted it on Facebook. I waited for about an hour to see if anyone said anything, and there was nothing! I checked a few more times throughout the evening and still, NOTHING! At the time, I wasn’t educated on how the algorithm worked. I became upset with myself for even caring what people had to say about what I wrote. These were my feelings, why would I care what they thought? Did I do this as a cry for help? No, I would have just called my friend to cry to her. I realized, I did it because I wanted people to see I had the ability to write. Or at least get their opinion on where my writing was. I did care what they thought! I wanted to be celebrated for taking such a big step, yet no one knew it was a goal. I eventually stopped looking and almost deleted the post.
By the next day, I had a few likes but I went about my life and kind of forgot about the post. About a week later, I was at an event with a friend and one of her family members inquired about the post. Told me someone in the family mentioned it and said it was a great read. That person was also concerned if I was okay. I assured them I was all good and thanked them for the compliments. That moment made two things clear for me. The first was, more people probably saw my post than I thought. They read it but didn’t respond for whatever reason. The second was the people I never imagined to be interested, were. Those I set the expectation for were not or at least didn’t show interest.
It is in our expectation that we create our own disappointment. I/We want to be celebrated. In that celebration, there are specific faces we find ourselves expecting to see rallying around us. When those individuals don’t live up to our preconceived expectation, we are disappointed. Disappointment combined with fear and self doubt can lead to loneliness. It can be quite lonely when people don’t agree with the opinion we have of ourselves. This is how people find themselves unable to accept compliments, because they can’t see themselves through the eyes of others. Disappointment will do that to you. It will lie! Disappointment led me back to writing in secret for a bit. I didn’t think anyone cared so I didn’t care to share. However, the fire was lit and it was deep. It couldn’t be smothered with falsified emotion around people and their opinions. Especially when it was the reaction of people that lit the fire in the first place!
I had to redirect my intentions. Who was I writing for? I began to research and brought it all together. The conclusion was I write for me. Writing is still an outlet for me. This stuff just pours and often at inopportune times! When I don’t take the time to record or write it, I run the risk of losing it for a bit. It seems to come back, but there is something in the missed opportunity that I decided, I don’t want to miss anymore. I recognize there are others out there like me who want to hear (read) what I have to say. Someone feels some of these emotions, thinks similarly to me, has questions that they probably never ask. My words could be the difference between a success and a failure.
So here I am writing what most people probably would be told not to say. Revealing slight hints of mental illness in the opinion of some Psycho-professionals. Laying out my real emotion without a care if it is rejected. I know I am not the only person who is living her dreams yet feeling lonely as hell! I refuse to believe it’s only me. If that were true, how are you still reading this? How did it get here? It's lonely, even when there are people around. I’m doing this for lonely successes like me. I feel you, I am here for you, we are one!
I am Sherrita Niles or (S.C. Niles). A creative who is multi passionate about several things. Currently, I run a creative strategy agency helping people identify and leverage their passions to grow their business. Simply put I am a creative problem solver and love everything about business especially small businesses run by women. I believe my life purpose is to encourage and uplift others and have found writing allows me to do that. My lead company "For All Creative Purposes" owns the strategy agency, "iN-Connection Strategies". Check her out on all platforms @in.connectionstrategies