As I sat in a Spanish restaurant surrounded by the most gorgeous tapas, endless espresso martinis and prosecco, and more importantly the loveliest group of women you could need in your life; 7 women that I’ve known for 20 years. My senses hit like a tidal wave of Catnip after the most beautiful floral top walked past me. Unsure if it was my 3rd drink or intuition, I NEEDED THIS TOP IN MY LIFE! The top had red flowers on it and long puffed sleeves, which is perfect since I hate my arms, the fact it didn't show any cleavage, since I don't think I suit low cut tops, made this shirt necessary. The boozy supermodel vowed that if I couldn’t have this top - my life would be over – I had to have it! Anyone who knows me knows that I can be obsessive over certain things; I love trainers (sneakers) especially if they have shiny/sparkly embellishments and I also can't have electrical items plugged in when I am not around; I have to turn all my switches off when I leave the house. After commenting on how lovely her top was and she told me where she got it from. Not the type to necessarily visit this website had it not been for the booze and the recommendation from well...my new best friend. A few clicks, size L, and, £18 later, and my top was on its way! Buying the top (whilst fueled with booze) made me feel like a BADASS, because a) I don’t usually buy online and b) I was drunk and on holiday. A week passed and unfortunately, my top was nowhere to be seen. “Oh my Christ!” I thought I’m a dickhead – I might as well have set fire to my £18. “My new best friend had FOOLED me...” I thought. There she was parading around Spain getting all and sundry to buy this top that doesn’t exist. My ‘younger’ and ‘more knowledgeable’ friends in work advised that some websites can take longer to send stuff – so there I was, now more obsessed with my non-existent top, not least because I loved the way it looked (on someone else) but now because I wanted it to hurry the hell up and arrive! Two more days went by and I was now in ‘stalking my top online’ zone waiting for this top to arrive. Another day went and I’d started to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t meant to be and I wasn’t going to have any kind of relationship with this top. Then, 13 days after my drunken purchase, the smoke cleared and I could see someone walking towards me in the office with a parcel! I felt like he was handing me the key to life. I ripped the bag open in anticipation and there it was in all its glory – my top. "Stuff this"; I thought, "I’m not waiting till I get home to try this bad boy on!!" I whipped off my top in the kitchen and proceeded to put the top on. As I pulled this top over my body, my 2 boobs became 1; creating what I can only describe as a Monoboob. My friends could not contain their laughter as I paraded around the office trying to make this top look like anything other than what it was...tight. Countless discussions lead to options of what to do next: The manufacturer has sized their clothes wrong – give it up and move on! Accept the loss of £18 and learn from your drunken mistakes! Send it back and buy an extra-large! Sell it! Give it away to someone else! Get it altered! I found myself outside the alterations shop on a Saturday morning clutching my top with a determined sense of hope that this seamstress could perform a miracle operation. I open the door and am faced with two young teenagers at their prom dress fitting.
I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I stood there and realized that my obsession had gone from bad to worse.
These two girls, standing there in their finery were engrossed in the beginnings of their Prom journey and there’s me, clutching my top in the hope that this seamstress can make me look beautiful and confident. I suddenly felt like a fool and I realized that I would have to explain my drunken mistake! I thought, “she’s going to think I’ve lost my mind and that she’s got more important things to alter; other than my bloody top.” However, the ladies were beyond lovely and helpful. I was taken into the back room and was asked to put my top on and wait for Nikki to come and advise. There I was with my Monoboob – all ready to present my problem to Nikki. “Don’t judge me; I bought this when I was drunk!” Nikki laughed and reminded me that we’ve all been there. She and her work colleagues were so understanding and helpful. Nikki then went through many options and we settled on – give it up and accept that this top is not meant for you! Needless to say, I think about the other women they have in their lives and appreciate that the simplest thing (like a drunken purchase) can spark a lot of laughter and joy. We all watch comedy films or TV shows which make us laugh, but I think we can sometimes forget that our actual lives can also be our comedy show. I have neither worn this top, sold it or given it to anyone! Instead, I shall keep this top as a lesson.
Samantha writes comedic stories and observations about women. She is loving life in Hampshire, England with her husband and fur-baby and enjoys lots of walks and wine! Once a sailor on the seven-seas in the Royal Navy; Samantha then decided to dive into History and achieve a BA (Hons). She now works as an Office Manager in the Pharmaceutical industry where she enjoys her work. She is a passionate advocate for fun and laughter and feels that a good laugh can boost wellbeing (and sometimes make you pee your pants). If you fancy a laugh then visit www.jbuonline.blog/