Megan, a Child of Light.

After having experienced quite a few celebrity impersonators in the short time that I've been on Instagram, this was just going to be a piece musing on the nature of identity and what we believe gives us ours; but some things happened, or rather I only thought that they happened, but life lessons definitely did and I learned for certain the core of my identity...


Let me start at the beginning. Sometime ago for some crazy reason I decided to Google the meaning of my name. Surprisingly urban dictionary got my characteristics/background spot on, but it only offered 2 choices for meaning: pearl and child of light.

As a child I had always been led to believe that Megan meant strong one, which as a lonely kid who hadn't experienced the best childhood, made sense to me. I was the tough stoic fighter who kept my feelings to myself and kept going, much like Wolverine. I had built my identity around that! If my name didn't mean what I thought it did then who am I?


As adults we are always being asked what we do, as though how we make the cash needed to feed and house and clothe ourselves is what makes us who we are. For the record I have always loathed this question as I'm not yet lucky enough to have a career doing something that I love, so the better question is 'and what do you enjoy doing?'

When I was younger I weighed less and people used to go on about how slim I was; does that mean I'm now a different person?

As I write this I'm already thinking it's garbage, no one is going to be interested in reading it, I shouldn't hit send, so are my anxieties my identity? If so what happens when my personal development work works and I grow?


The truth is we are, or should be, always changing, at least on the surface, but the core of what makes us who we are, the very centre of our being should be as constant as the north star.


I've always been lucky in that I've always felt that I know myself well. I have a firm grasp of who I am. I encourage everyone to try and discover this because it will guide you to the things that will make you feel happy and fulfilled.


To go back to that previously mentioned lonely misunderstood child who had no friends, books, films and TV shows became my life and my teachers. I wasn't brought up in a tolerant open minded household; my sense of fairness and kindness have mostly come from Star Trek and Doctor Who...

Which brings me to the subject of the celebrity impersonators on Instagram (blame Nikki for my rambling, she said I could write about whatever I wanted). When this first happened to me, I didn't say piss off and automatically reach for the block button, oh no! My first instinct was to try and understand, I was all 'I ain't stupid but hey, your life can't be that bad that you have to pretend to be someone else! Talk to me as yourself, I'll listen'


Believe me, when people let you down and the world appears to be full of arseholes, there are times that I really truly wish I could be a bitch!! Like I'll get the Miss Havisham line in my head [who am I for God's sake that I should be kind] and I'll think yeah ok, I'll hammer out the dents in my armour and carefully slip each individual piece on, because then no one can hurt me, but loneliness still hurts and is self inflicted.


True evil does exist but it's rarely depicted in the movies, and I've always loved the villains, like many of us. But take away the cooler lines and better style and perhaps it's because I instinctively understand that their anger comes from a place of rejection and fear and pain, they are just misunderstood and I don't want to be them, I want to help them.


I should have watched the movies sooner, because it turns out I've been a Jedi all this time and not known it, as compassion is also central to my life...so I'll take the risk and take the inevitable hits and remove my armour because it weighs me down and restricts my movements- it is hard to extend a hand or lift someone up if you can not even move your arms! Because that is what love is, whether that's romantic, platonic or even altruistic. It is giving someone else your heart on a silver platter, hoping and trusting that they won't stab it but knowing that they could and taking the risk anyway.


There are two sets of lines that haunt me and resonate with me far more than any nasty ones could: From Doctor Who (Peter Capaldi) "...And do you know what you do with all that pain?...you hold it tight till it burns your hand and you say this: No one else will ever have to live like this. No one else will have to feel this pain. Not on my watch!"


From Lord of War: "I have failed at everything but I won't fail as a human being"


Perhaps I will always be a nobody, a tiny cog in a huge machine going to my grave with my song still inside me (that's a misquote but the reason people believe it to be right, is because that's sadly how most of us feel and live) but I hope that people will say I was kind...so the meaning of Megan is right; I'm happy to be a child of light and perhaps I always have been.

Megan Romaine is an aspiring writer of stage, screen and everything in between. Movie obsessed Star Wars fan. Maybe, possibly, wannabe toy shop owner. Follow her @head.in.the.cloud_city

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